Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Depression 2.0

Next is when I was 17. I've never told this to anyone. Perkara ni berlaku masa awal start sekolah. Im not going to tell you the cause of my depression but masa tu aku kemurungan yang terok. I remembered my teacher approach me and asked "Kenapa awak nampak sedih sangat?" then I was trying to hide my pain from her with a forced smile. I can't even focus on class. I tend to skip school. Masa tu aku rasa sunyi. Aku rasa aku dah takde orang lain. I’ve no friend. Nobody. I cried a lot every single night. Trying to comfort myself and tell myself that Im not alone. But I can't. The pain inside me is getting worse. Setiap hari pujuk diri sendiri cuba untuk bertahan, sekejap je. Sikit lagi nak habis sekolah. I take a few months to recover from the pain. I didn’t tell anyone even my close friends because they might think Im a crybaby. So I hold this pain for a few months. You know what? Aku boleh recover from this bullshit is when one on my friend approach me. Alhamdullilah. Im living my live happily.

Please guys. Depression is not a joke. It can change people from a happy person to a moody. Please. I’ve experienced it. I know very well how it feel.  Even its hurts to just remember it.

Tuesday, December 19, 2017


Assalamualaikum. Its been a long time I’m not blogging. So hi readers!
My post today it is not because of the Junghyun or whatever but because of him I would like to share my personal experienced on this mental health.

I had a depression back then right after graduated from Matriculation College. I’m pretty sure I doesn’t tell anyone else. I did but they did nothing. I’m sorry to say this. So let me tell you a story. I was sick. Im sick. Doctor said Im diagnosed with “this” disease. At that time my heart broke into a pieces. I felt like dying. People keep saying I can’t live longer. It give me pressure. I cry almost everyday. I try to find how to cure my disease on the internet. I try and try until I lost hope. The reality is my condition will never getting better. That’s the fact. I need to face the reality.

I start blaming myself. I know all this comes from myself. Myself. I’ve being cruel to myself. I did tell my friends. My close friends about my conditions but I don’t know somehow I felt like they don’t even care about me. I even lost my appetite, I cannot watch any tv show that related to health. I can’t even hear to my disease name cause it gives me pressure, I don't want to talk to people like a month. I cannot laugh to joke anymore. I totally become a different person. But I try to act like a normal whenever Im with my family. At the some point where I can’t bear with all this bullshit anymore, I cried and texting my mum how I feel. My mum come to me and seeing me crying so badly at my bed. I told her I don’t want to die. I wanna live longer like other. I wanna be healthier like my friends. I want my life back. Then, my mum hugged me. She’s tried to comfort me. Saying “Ya allah kau pindahkan lah sakit tu kat aku. Jangan bagi anak aku sakit” can you feel it???????? I was hopeless.

So my mum try to bring joy in me. She took me to Sabah for a short vacations. Yes it gives me calmness. We’ve also tried traditional method. But it doesn’t seem like my condition will get better. Yes guys I still need treatment. I still need to meet my doctor every 3 months.

Alhamdullillah. Now I boleh terima qada qadar tuhan. I know things happen for a reason. I know ada hikmah. Don’t worry I enjoy my life well now. What I can say here, I’ve experienced depression but glad that I’ve never thought of killing myself. How can I commit suicide when I refuse to die??? LOL.

Maybe some of you would say it just a symptom of depression and you’re over. Hahahha. Guys, you will never ever understand what these people feel. I’ve been in this situation. I did shared my story, I showed them how I feel but I still feel the sadness inside me. Their words doesn’t help me. I don’t know. All they can say is sabar sabar sabar. Like how tho???? Well maybe the conversation through phone call its not a good idea (otp with my friends). Because after you ended the call they will never come to you to give a support. While Im looking for someone that can comfort me.

So please if you have friends that suffer from depression please don’t leave them. Not even a single day. Try to communicate and bring the joy in them. They need your attentions. They need your care. Try to understand what they’re telling you. They know you can’t even understand it 100% but at least be there for them.